I spent a lot of time thinking
about metaphors that could be used to describe doubt. From a passing annoyance,
a mosquito bite, to something as debilitating as a terminal illness. The thing
about doubt is that not everyone can see it, but at some point in our lives
everyone feels it. There’s no cure, and the only treatment available to us is
the power of our own minds.
I like to think of my own doubt
as a tiny Gnome that lives in the deepest darkest corner of my brain. He wears
a top hat and smokes Cuban cigars. He has a voice like Nicki Minaj, with an
attitude to boot. Generally he’s a pretty placid fellow. But it only takes one
comment, one thought, one stumble and
he’s charging through my thoughts with all the destructive power of an
avalanche.
Day in and day out, we fight with
allegorical tooth and nail to lock that little gnome up in the cage where he
belongs, on most occasions with little success. As it were, Doubt is a
well-practiced escape artist and he demands to be heard.
Just a few days ago I struck up a
conversation with a complete stranger, which soon lead into general discussions
about our aspirations for the future. Now, I’m not entirely sure about the How’s
or Why’s, but in less than a few minutes I found myself in a very uncomfortable
situation. You see, this stranger was very disapproving of the goals I had set
myself. In fact, she managed to sell them as ‘silly, unnecessary and selfish’
all in the one sentence. Needless to say, I was shocked.
Unexpectedly-shat-on-by-a-seagull-during-a-casual-stroll-along-the-beach shocked.
At that point I probably should
have punched her in the nose, stood my ground and declared, “I will not settle!
I will not spend the rest of my life in dull complacency!” and stormed off with
my head held high and my confidence intact. Instead I choked out barely
comprehensible words of agreement and slunk off with my tail between my legs.
This woman, this complete
stranger, had successfully shrunk me to the size of a mouse and trampled me
with her pink-slippered feet. I could feel my heart and my confidence leaking
out of my ears like something out of a horror movie. And oh boy was my little
Gnome Of Doubt (let’s call him Doug) throwing a party. In fact, he’d
practically hitched a ride to Vegas, where he’d probably spend the evening throwing
back margaritas and twerking on the main strip.
All of a sudden I was doubting
myself. And it was terrifying.
For the next few days I thought
about nothing else. It didn’t matter what kind of front I put up, how much I
ranted about it, or how often I joked about pink slippers, a chord had been
struck and now Doug was on a field trip.
It was a while before I
remembered that we deal with difficult personalities on a day to day basis and,
as much as I would love to hurl myself to the ground in a rage, beat my fists
on the floor and yell obscenities at every person who so much as breathes in my
direction, it would be completely
pointless. Regardless of the Who, What, When or Where, there will always be
people who disagree. There will always
be people who need to throw in their lot. And perhaps that’s only human.
What I also realised was that the
doubt I was feeling now, had in fact always been there. I’d always had a tiny,
niggling voice in the back of my head that constantly told me I wasn’t good
enough. And that too was only human.
The fault here was with myself,
for allowing just another person to have such a huge effect on my confidence.
If I were to allow every negative comment made by strangers to affect me so
greatly, I’d be confined to a psychiatric ward.
The reality of the situation is
that doubt will always be a constant in my life. The only comfort I can offer
is that doubt is manageable, so long as we continually refuse to allow the
thoughts, words or actions of anyone other than ourselves to have a negative effect
on our lives.
So it’s not quite a happy ending,
but it is a reminder to be strong, to be brave, to be steadfast in your beliefs and above all, to avoid
entering into conversation with elderly ladies wearing pink slippers in public
spaces.
Doubt will always be there. Make
it your personal challenge to beat it at every turn.
